"Apparently I'm beautiful [...] And I wouldn't change a thing. "

Hope is Life.

There those days where you realized how lucky you are even if you thought you was not. There those days where you wanna leave your current place and go far away. There those days when you realized you need just love in your life.
I know how much lucky i am. I need just love in my life. Just this little thing but i dont give up and continue to live without it. I don't know if someone can live without love. I mean ... The real one. Not friendship. The real love. The one where your heart feels so good everyday, where your smile is coming upon your face everytime when you heard his name, his voice, or saw his face. id like to find it but i thing that i am too afraid. Trust me guys ! Don't be afraid of love ! Don't be like me. I am not a good example. I always told to a boy: ''oh .. no ... erm ... sorry ... i am not free.'' it was stupid and perfectly immature ....

In fact i think i had too suffered in the past and i am afraid to live it again. Yes, i know, i am still afraid by something, but without fear life will be not the same. it will be not a normal one.

Hope makes live. Yes. that's right. so continue to hope, to pray, to believe in your dreams even if you think it's the most craziest one ever because when your dreams will become true, your heart feels the happiest ever and you'll feel as invincible. Trust me.

These last months i am not a good blogger 'cause i was very busy.
Many things changed in my life until April.
First i was graduated and started my new studies about FX, Animation, videogames etc...
I met so many new awesome people but i realized how people really are and sometimes it's not some good things. Oh ! no sorry ! it's more "persons" instead of "things"
Well i think that everybody cant love everyone but i think i am not stupid. I can saw when someone is a fake person. Stop lying guys ! Why are you lying too much ? Do you think it's better like that ? Do you think you gonna be a better person behind lies ? Are you too ashamed of yourself to tell the truth ? I can't believe these kind of persons who lie to "exist".
YOU are fake, fake, fake ! i need to tell you STOP ! It's becoming so ridiculous !

I saw a cardiologist 2 months ago, he said that my heart aches existed because i get the Tietze's Syndrome ... it's an infection of the sternum and rib cartilage that causes pressure on my chest... i am waiting a new rendezvous with a special doctor for a cure. French Medical system really sucks a lot!
But i keep the smile about it ! i am sure one day it will be okay and i could eat everything i want etc ... =) i wanna stay optimistic and strong !

" I'm feeling kind of crazy
I think maybe I'm in love
And I wanna turn the music up
Tip back my cup and drink it all in deep
'Cause there's no place on earth I'd rather be"

"California Sunshine" - Christa Black

I made an incredible trip to London with my dear friend Jessy to see the 25th Anniversary of Les Miserables, the musical. It was like a month at London but we were there something like 2 days only ! Just AWESOME !

Normally i didnt make advertisement on this special place but i wanna make an exception.
I wanna share with you the work of a really awesome non profit organization named: ALittle Bit Longer ! Since few months they try to do their best to help the research about all the incurable disease !! HELP Them too please ! Thank you ALittle Bit Longer to believe and work so hard everyday.

Networking:
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Life is a gift. as John Taylor will said now: Life is awesome.

Few days ago, someone i love wrote me: "One "!" can change a whole message."
And she is right about it !
His message was not the same without this lil' thing... Everything were different i think.

"This is critical
I'm feeling helpless
So hysterical, this can't be healthy
I can't eat or sleep
When you're not with me
Baby, you're the air i breath
This is critical, yeah
So stuck on you "

"Critical" - Nick Jonas

One year ago (+ one week), i'll back from Zurich and posted a post about this weird but finally funny weekend with you girls !
Wow ! It was on year ago already ... I can't believe it ! Time flies too fast !
But right now, one year ago i was in a late train from Lyon to Antwerp ! and tomorrow we'll be November 14 ! How could I forget this day ? it was one of the best day ever ! i know, i am SO lucky to meet Nick, Joe & Kevin and to be at the Soundcheck party =)
How could I forget this moment ? This moment shared with him at the end of the show, this short time shared with him which made me forget all my problems, which made me forget everything except him and what he means to me ...
I could talk about this moment again and again ... =')
It stucks in my heat everyday.

Because this is THE word about him.

I spoke with a girl who said to me that she is so jealous 'cause i met Nick, Joe & Kevin last year. After she said to me that she met Jack two times ! I know i am so lucky to meet Joe, Nick & Kevin but girl, do you realize how lucky you are into my eyes ? I could give all i have to see him just one minute. To have just one minute with him. Even less than one minute. I'd like to say to him how grateful i am about all he gave to me last April and this special night. He is my hero. More than Nick ... More than Matt. Why ? Simply 'cause even the others are so sweet, Jack was a real guardian angel to me... I think i could never thanks him as he deserves it ... that's bad. I really hope one day i could hug him and say to him all these things.

"Were Venus and Mars
Venus and Mars
Were like different stars
Like different stars
But your the harmony to every song I sing,
And I wouldn't change a thing."

"Wouldn't Change a Thing" - Demi Lovato & Joe Jonas.

Oooh and a last awesome weird thing: I turned 20 last month ! Time flies really really fast !
I remember when i was young *_*
When i was i had a dream: have a Christmas with all my family like a real Christmas ! and this year this dream could become true ! Thanks so much to my Mom ! i really really hope it will become true. My aunt is really weak and i am so afraid to her and i wanna pass this Christmas with her. it will be so magic...

"And i always believed there's magic on christmas eve
Then Santa comes round, & im so glad we found this love we swore to keep
And we walk in the snow, letting our troubles go
To a far away place so that we embrace christmas spirit all around and i say
Merry Merry Christmas... today"

"What Would Christmas be like ?" - Mia Rose

A special thanks to all of you who support me everyday during my highs and lows. you are all so awesome with me that's incredible ! =')
Another special thanks to my two new friends Lea & Mick, welcome to my life and i am so sorry you are coming during a low , and i am so sorry to be without smile these last days.
A special thanks to my friends Jessy, JessiK and my sweetie Garbow who are there for me everyday and she knows who grateful i am about them. I hope so !
A Last special thanks to Christa Black 'cause her music helps me so much to get a motivation and to Keep the Faith.


Don't forget to Keep the Faith and to Never Give Up 'cause A Little Bit Longer and We'll be Fine. Always believe in your dreams.

"But God loves ugly
He doesn't see the way I see
Oh, God takes ugly
And turns it into something that is beautiful
Apparently I'm beautiful
'Cause You love me"

"God Loves Ugly" - Christa Black

God Bless you.
With all my love.

(L)ily.


Pictures: Christa Black - Jack Lawless

Please get well soon!

It's great to never forget the best time with a person we love.

Wow ! I realized i was very absent of this special place from 1 month … Many things happened this last month.

First, I was at the cinema with my brother few weeks ago, and I saw an ex-colleague I was in love with but like the life is made I can't love him 'cause it's not a great thing for me, for my heart. He's not single and certainly he already forgot me btw. When I saw him, all the world around crashed. But I had the idea to write a new song ''If I Ain't Got You'', I'll not hide you that I cried by writing it. It's one of my fav I already composed. It speaks about my feelings about two special persons. Two special persons I can love but that's all.

Next week, I was at hospital for 1 week instead of 3 days for the long test I already mentioned. it was a hard week and it's during those hard moments that some dreams could come true.

Yes, Trust me Seriously.

I explain you: Tuesday night, i watched Dr House on my Tv and tweeted ''Watching Dr. House when you're at the hospital is … very weird'' (or something like that) and one episode later i tweeted to Jack: ''@JackLawless: Jack...'' and i saw a yellow @reply window just before my last tweet. IT WAS A TWEET FROM HIM ! Oh my God ! I didn't realize ! First I thought it was a poser one but I read: “J.A.C.K.L.A.W.L.E.S.S.”. I couldn't say anything, my tears were speaking for me. He's the best Sweet Heart ever for me ! I still can't believe it ! That's just unbelievable ! I feel so blessed. It was a real deliverance to read this tweet from him. In my problems I had a chance finally. My heart felt better instantly and I couldn't stop smiling. I thanked God to be with me and to heard my prayers. And I still couldn't stop crying. But I continued to read it and thanks everyone again and again. This thing never could happen without them.

Just this tweet make my heart feel much better, even today when I read it.

" I read a few tweets saying your in the hospital.
I hope you are doing ok.
Please get well soon! "

From Jack Lawless to I on Twitter.

I read all the @replies from my friends and myself to him but NOBODY spoke about me at the hospital. O_O it means that he came on my Twitter profile maybe.... I don't know. That's the miracle of this night. But It's not the main question. The most important thing ever is the strength he gave me this night. Another night which is better because of him. At this moment, this Tuesday April 13^th night, I realized that EVERY dreams could become true ! Never Give up Guys ! At this moment, this Tuesday April 13^th night, I never imagined what will happen two days later. After his tweet I decide to write him another letter to thanks him about his tweet and the strength he gave me with just few words. 'cause finally it's just a tweet. Just 20 words. 140 characters. But the best strength that someone like me needs ! It's very great for the heart to know that the person you admire ask you to get well soon ! So I decided to write this new letter to him, a very short one that I wanna send with a new copy of the old one. A new one just to say ''thank you for the tweet and more''. I wrote it Thursday April 15^th and when I had finished it I check out my BlackBerry and saw a new Email:

''Direct Message From Jack Lawless''

At this moment, I had the feeling that my heart stop beating a few. It was just more unbelievable than the tweet.

I read it and crying so much.

Dear readers, Jack had read my letter and DMed me to say me thank you for it, and ''it was very sweet!'' he explained me why I read it just now (I sent it in February) and he said me “Please Get well soon!'' again...

Just speaking about it make me smile and my tears are back …

What did obligated him to write me those two messages ? Nothing. Nothing obligated him. I think he wrote with his heart a few. What do you think about 'em ?

You know if I close my eyes I can see these smiles to me at Antwerp. If I Close my eyes, I can be back at Antwerp and even if it's not great for me I stay in this world just because its my perfect world.

“This song is for you two.
How could I say you ?
Don't forget it
If one day you hear it.

Writing, singing, playing, once again.
If I Ain't Got You
Smiling, laughing, praying, once again.
If I Ain't Got You.”

"If I Ain't got you" - Lily'C

I dedicate this one to my friend Elise.

I was out of the hospital the next Friday and what I saw when I was back at home: No train, no planes in all over the Europe ! What the fuck ? Stupid Volcano I'd like to go to see my family in the South of France and to make a break with my life here but I was stuck at home.

But next important (and truly weird) thing happened one week later this new one which started. Next Tuesday everybody learns the big Jonas Brothers' announcement about the World Tour and Wednesday afternoon I received a text message from … Her … She sent me a sweet text to ask me how's my school year, if I'm fine and what happen in my life … I was just like that → O_O (lmao). I spoke about this text with some friends and one told me that maybe she wrote me just because of the World Tour announcement … I thought of this idea and maybe she's right. You'll see if she answer me.

The same day I saw a new doctor because the previous one give up her cabinet. (so great –') 'cause since I was back from the hospital I feel so bad. Big big stomachaches, and palpitations more and more again. The new doctor gave me two new drugs (for my stomachaches and some vitamins) and a sonogram to know if that's because of my stomach or my pancreas. Bad new if it's my stomach.... Very bad thing … and very hard one. I hope it's ''just'' my pancreas... Even if it's my pancreas I currently don't know what this thing is.

Last week, I decided to be online on msn and a “friend” come to speak with me … at the beginning he was so cool and sweet with and suddenly he said me that everybody think that i'm a poser, not sick, and I said everything just to tell many liar ! How a friend can think something like that really ? What the hell ? I didn't sleep this night. I cried so much. I wasn't offended just sad because of I think he was my friend … Since this day, I'm afraid of everyone around me at school … last week was hard too. People speak less with me. I don't why. It hurts me so bad. But I must live like that so I do it.

" I'm not a trick you play, I ride a different way
I'm not a mistake, I'm not a fake, It's set in my DNA
Don't change me
I can't be tamed. "

"Can't Be Tamed" - Miley Cyrus

I can't stop say to myself these lines to try to don't give up, even if i see the finish line move away from me day by day. I continue to reach out to try to catch it.

" Turn Right
Into my Arms
Turn Right
You won't be alone
You might
Fall off this track sometimes
Hope to see you on the finish line. "

"Turn Right" - Jonas Brothers

Today, Friday May 10^th , I received all my results from the hospital (yes yes one month later really !) and the doctor of the hospital send me to see another new one again … By the way, the problems are not from my stomach finally so … pancreas ? I'll know soon. I hope. I promise to get well soon and i'll do it !

In this last paragraph I wanna thanks every persons who support me, who write me when i'm sad, who tweet Jack about me again today, it's very important for me and you're SO awesome with me that's incredible.I wanna thanks every persons who watched my last cover of Lady Gaga – Paparazzi, 7,000 views in one week I can't believe it ! O_O and I wanna thanks every persons who voted for my blog on NickJonasFrance.org because I was the WebTop of this last month !

I'll conclude this new blogpost while saying to you to don't forget to ALWAYS Keep The Faith and to NEVER Give up ! First because i'm pretty sure that A Little Bit Longer and We'll Be Fine and because of EVERY dreams could become true one day, it's enough to believe in them everytime with your heart. I think I can say i'm a great example of this way.

Thanks you so much from the Bottom of my heart everyone.

God Bless You All.
All my Love.

(L)ily.

PS: I don't copy/paste you the Jack's DM because I think if he DM me it was because of something private and I wanna respect his choice. Hope your understand mine.

"You always want a song about you"

114 days. 114 days ago you told me that you broke your promises to me. 114 days since our last REAL conversation. 114 days ago, I never thought of everything happened. Alone in my car into our favorite landscape. Alone to do shopping. Tonight, I remember these months with you. Smiling. Happiness. Freedom. I was your Demi & you were my Selly. There are things which we can't share with anyone else. This song is for you, you know ? No sure you don't. Why ? 'cause you was late at my first solo show. I dedicated you this song 'cause yes you ARE it … I don't know if you'll read this blogpost one day, I don't know if you'll hear this song, but I continue to sing it. Again and again. If you'll come back in my life one day, I'm sure that i'll open you my arms... Why ? 'cause I'm still in love with you.
I don't write all that to feel you guilty as you could think it but only to alleviate my heart.


“ Now you're far away
You let me on this way
I can't hold you back
This is your choice
Don't Forget me, Don't forget us
You always want a song about you
And now that's true. “

“Just Friends” - Lily'C


So STOP IT NOW ! I must to forget you even if these days with you were amazing and the last summer was one of the best ever, I need to have my own way with success and happiness and it's without you. Even if I grew up during these months without you. I grew up without you 'cause I need to do it without you.
Only the future will say it to us.
To be continued …


“ The time that you danced with me
With no music playing i remember those simple things
I remember till i cry
But the one thing i wish i'd forget
A memory i wanna forget
Is goodbye “

Goodbye – Miley Cyrus


How could I explain you my current feeling. I realize now how this family is important for me. This special weekend they were just 2 of it but that was so fucking great ! I think I need some changes in my life. I know I already have many many of 'em these last months but I need to have some positive things. Like this weekend. I went to skiing last holidays, I think that was a such first great thing even if I was very weak when I snowboarded. And this day at Paris was very very incredible and great for my mind.

V for Victory.

I was back at the hospital just for one rendez-vous with my doctor. She told me that I should come during 3 days to be a long test. I hate hospital it's so bored … But I know that I could be better one day even if sometimes that's hard 'cause when I swim or when I run in Softball, I'm weak very quickly.
This month I discovered something: At HighSchool during the lunch time one boy drank a Sprite beside me and I realized that I forgot the smells and the taste of it ! I start to forget the taste of Nutella too or many other things. That's weird but I must to live with, or rather, without these products.

Maybe some of you are right and maybe I just need love in my life. A person who will say me everyday that he loves me for who I am.


“ I’m shaking it off, I’m shaking off all of the pain.
Breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again
I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad? “

“Who I Am” - Nick Jonas & The Administration


These last weeks i've another weird feeling that I can't explain well … How could I explain my feelings about her ? I don't know, I just know that's not a jealous feelings. It's like a protection feeling. She seems too frivolous for him. I saw the pain into these eyes on every new photos. The light does not shine anymore into these eyes like this night when he looked at me...
“ I'm confused” why ? Why did you tweeted it ? Why were you confused ? I feel that he's sad and not ok, and I can't help him. That's very frustrated ! I can just pray for him and I do it. He deserve the best, that's all. I really wanna meet him just to hug him and say something important. I hope one day I could do it. I don't know why but I've the feeling that if I sing more maybe he'll hear me … so I'll sing for him. 118 days ago … Longtime since the last one but more closed days after days to the next one. Cannot wait to see you all again !
By the way, I tried to write him a letter but I was many problems 'cause it's very hard to write his heart one a white page. I wanna tell him all the hope and the strength he gaves me this night at this special moment but I didn't arrive to write well. But I received a photo of him and my heart has been heated by a special one so finally I finished my letter (oups … 4 pages … haha !) I hope he'll read it even if he never answers me … if he reads it that's a flawless (?) thing.

'cause music is the best way for my heart

My last paragraph is for you all my readers ! Thanks to read and comment my posts. Thanks for your help and your support. Don't forget to Keep the Faith. Yes to Keep to Faith 'cause I thing that even for the persons who are not believers, it's a very important thing. “Keep the Faith” … There's so much things into this sentence, so much of hope, so much of strength. It's a thing which I'd like to make comprehensible to many people who does not understand that or does not even tolerate it. It's not a religious way first, it's just a question of principle, a heart way. It's one thing that carries us and guide us … I know that to tell me it, helps me everyday and I'd like to help each others with it.

God Bless You,
Lily.


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